vult vivere amisit est
by I am Mystery
Summary: 'Sanity is what everyone thinks i lack, but in all honesty, the only thing i lack is...the will to live.' in 2013 Ciel, age of 17 is taken to a mental hospital after trying to commit suicide. Ciel's doctor,Sebastian M. is to try to find out the reason for his course of actions.A diary is given,Words of wisdom are written, and friendship is questioned.
1. Chapter 1:The will is lacking

**Name: Mentem, qui dudum perii **

**Name Meaning:Sanity, I lost that a long time ago**

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**Summary:'Sanity is what everyone thinks i lack, but in all honesty, the only thing i lack is...the will to live.'Ciel, age of 17 is taken to a mental hospital after trying to commit suicide. Ciel's doctor,Sebastian M. is to try to find out the reason for his course of actions.A diary is given,Words of wisdom are written, and friendship will be questioned~**

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Chapter one: The will is lacking

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_Name: Ciel Phantomhive_

_Age:17_

_Reasons to live: None_

_Why i write in this stupid thing:No idea._

_Dear Diary,_

_It's been a while...My mind takes me back to that day every waking moment. The screams of agony from my parents,_

_the helplessness i felt as the hot flames licked at there skin burning them to the bone. For some reason...I find myself wondering why i didn't die along with them._

_For some reason, im still here! Why am i here! If i could, i would go back in time and trade places with my parents._

_They were to nice of people, to good to deserve that..ending! but me...Me, i deserve every kind of torture that god has in store for me._

_But i must say, this life was well spent...But , everything must come to an end, and this is the day my last chapter is,I'll be able to be put down to rest,and I'll be able to stop my mind for all eternity._

_So, my dearest who reads this, this is...my goodbye._

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Ciel sighed as he closed his diary one last time, as his eyes wondered around his room once more. His pale hands reached for the weapon that would end this questionable game of razor blade became his closest friend, and now...it will be the cause of his death.

_ Come on skinny love just last the year  
Pour a little salt, we were never here  
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my  
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer_

Ciel pushed the blade onto his wrist, the pressure already bringing blood towards the surface. A small sad smile spread upon his lips.

"This will only hurt a little..." a soft whisper came from his thin pale lips.

_Tell my love to wreck it all  
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall  
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my  
Right in this moment this order's tall_

Ciel slowly pulled the razor towards him, a small painful whine came from him as blood spilled from his pale skin.

"Just a couple more..."

_And I told you to be patient  
And I told you to be fine  
And I told you to be balanced  
And I told you to be kind_

His arm shook from all the pain, warm crimson liquid poured from the slits. He slowly pulled the bloodied razor and cut another deep line. Old tears that never fell, fell, purifying his bloods existence.

_In the morning I'll be with you_  
_But it will be a different kind_  
_I'll be holding all the tickets_  
_And you'll be owning all the fines_

A scream echoed from his throat as he fell to his knee's. His blood being drained, his vision became blurry. His heart pounded in his ears telling him he was still alive. _no..i don't deserve to live...just one more cut t-to untie me fr-from this earth..._

_Come on skinny love, what happened here?  
Suckle on the hope in lite brassieres  
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my  
Sullen load is full, so slow on the split_

One final cut was served as Ciel tossed the razor to the side of his room and wobbled to his fell to the floor making it look like a murder scene. Ciel closed his eyes, a small sigh bouncing from his lips. as words poured as fast as his blood fell.

"Don't you worry, ill be fine...let this be a lesson, nothing, not even sanity could lie..." his whispers became hoarse as he opened his eyes, only to be shown that his vision was fading.

"Nothing will ever be fine...not since that day..."

_And I told you to be patient  
And I told you to be fine  
And I told you to be balanced  
And I told you to be kind_

Ciel's aunt just got home from a long day at work, her lips were painted red as was her hair. A smile was pressed onto her lips as she walked into her lovely house.

"Ciel! im home sweetheart!" She called, when she didn't get an answer, she sighed and walked to towards his room.

"Ciel, come on...i know going to a new school is a pain in the ass but you gotta get used to it," she said as she walked down the hall towards his room.

"I'll tell you what, we can go get some cake at "Lee's Chocolate's" if you wish" when she got no answer to that, she got worried.

"Ciel?" she whispered as she neared the door, a shaky hand reaching for the door nob.

_And now all your love is wasted  
And then who the hell was I?  
And I'm breaking at the britches  
And at the end of all your lines_

She quickly opened the door, what she saw made her fall to the floor.

"C...C...Ciel! no...n..nonononono not...not you too!" She sobbed as she rushed over to the pale boy.

"Ciel, Please!" her hands ran threw his hair, she saw the tinniest smiles frozen on his lips and a note by his hips.

_Who will love you?_  
_Who will fight?_  
_Who will fall far behind?_  
_Ooh, ooh_

She grabbed the note as her shaking hands dialed 911.

Her nephews note said something that could brake anyone's heart.

"_Please don't cry, it's only for the night. let me fall between the star's, The pain and sorrow won't be there tomorrow, but memories will last a life time. I wasn't strong, a never shall i be, they took everything i had...and now im left with nothing...this is my final chapter, this is my final goodbye."_

A sob escaped her throat as the ambulance finally came. A woman was trying to coax her sadness but it wasn't helping, all she could say was,

"Why?" Was she not good enough for him to stay, was her little nephews soul to broken to be fixed again.

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"No!" her hands clashed to her hair as she paced around the wait room. Everything was going by so fast she could keep count.

Finally about an hour latter she found herself sitting in a chair half asleep when the doctor came in.

"Madam Red?"

Her head shot up "Yes, Is my nephew alright, is he okay?!" she said frantically.

The doctor smiled sadly "Yes, he is just fine, but he did lose alot of blood, he will have to stay here for a week...and he will have to be transported to Inter mountain the mental hospital just down the block for attempted suicide, just give us all his information and then you may go see him." the doctor said as he handed her a writing bored with a piece of paper with questions attached to it.

Relief flushed over her as tears spilled from her eyes once more.

"Thank you..." she whispered as she sat down and wrote out Ciel's information.

The doctor nodded and as he turned around and started to walk off he stopped and turned his head with a friendly smile.

"By the way madam, my name is Lou." he said and continued off back to where another patient stayed.

Quite, is all that reached her now, and right now she doesn't seem to mind.

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**Alright there you guys go, my new story, tell me if you like it if you don't what ever i really don't care, ill fix it up later.**

**anyway, i don't own anything except the plot and new people that may come into the story.**

**Bye! leave a review and please favorite!**


	2. Chapter 2:Only questions

**No, i don't own Kuroshituji, if i did undertaker would be mine.**

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Chapter 2: There will only be questions

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Ciel woke up, his eyes scrunching up as light hit them. Pain was throbbing up and down his arm, signifying that he was still alive.

Ciel looked around the room he was in, noting that he was in a hospital room. In his view he saw a big t.v en between a corner by the ceiling that was on spongebob. Ciel smiled.

His eyes soon wondered to the person next to him when he started to feel something on his hand. It wasn't a cold grip, it was a warm and inviting one.

A frown made its way to his lips as he took in his aunts face, mascara smeared,lipstick smudged and her noes red as her hair. A sigh found its way threw Ciel's parted lips. He petted his aunts hair with left arm that wasn't hooked to anything.

"I'm sorry i put you threw hell lately, i just wanted to escape.." Ciel whispered as his eyes closed once more and a dreamless sleep indulged him.

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Ciel woke up again, a yawn escaping him freely as he slightly stretched. _How long as it been?_ All Ciel remembers is coming in and out of consciousness. His eyes wondered around the room, he was alone,a sinking feeling washed over him._Maybe my aunt figured i was a handful and left me here..._ He didn't have time to wonder that far when he door opened and a man in a white lab coat came in with a girl with a short nurses the doctor looked over at Ciel a smile found the doctor.

"Ah, so you are finally awake young earl." The doctor said in a sarcastic but serious voice.

Ciel sighed as one of his hands rubbed his right eye, sadistic memories filled his head every time he touched his left eye.

"H-how long have i been out?" Ciel questioned. His voice sounding raspy and dry. Ciel swallowed softly trying to ease the strain.

The doctor chuckled, "Oh earl, you were out for the hole time you were supposed to be held here...which was two weeks dear earl." a smile still on the mans lips.

Ciel's visible eyes twitched, _two weeks?! you have gotta be kidding me... . _

Ciel's head hit his pillow as a groan fled from his lips.

The doctor scooted over and patted Ciel's shoulder.

"Well, Ciel, i have to discuss somethings with you before you leave." He spoke, all sarcastic tone fell from his voice as he spoke on.

"Ciel, after attempted suicide you are going to be located to a mental health care place just down the block...You will have your own doctor to help recover from what ever tragedies you went threw and you may have to be put on anti depressants." The man said.

Ciel stared at the man, , Ciel Phantomhive will be having to stay at a mental hospital just because he was trying to kill himself?!

The doctor went on, "Your doctor will be Sebastian M. He is the best in the field and probably won't miss anything, you might even forget why you even tried in the first place he's so good...By the way Earl, my name is Lou and this is my assistant Ran-Mou, we will assist you until tomorrow..your mp3 is right beside you if you wish to listen to music...goodnight earl." Lou said as he stalked away and shut the door behind him.

Just who do these guys think they are, sending me way just because attempted suicide, psh, what ever.

With a sigh Ciel pulled out his mp3 and pushed in his earbuds and turned on "to build a home" by "The Cinematic Orchestra"

Ciel closed his eyes as the music filled his ears.

_There is a house built out of stone_

Wooden floors,walls and windowsills.

_Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust._

_This is a place where I don't feel alon__e_

_This is a place where I feel at home... _

Slowly Ciel started drifting in to his own world of happiness.

_And I built a home  
For you  
For me_

**Ciel found him self, age of in his mothers warm embrace. She cooed softly in his ears a lovely tone.**

_**"Lovely birdy don't fly away, don't leave please just stay. Sleep in my nest, dry and warm, dream of me when ever you leave."**_

_Until you disappeared  
From me  
From you_

**Five year old Ciel smiled as he placed a small hand in his mothers hand and played with her long dainty fingers. A man, an older version of Ciel stood next to them, a warm smile on his face as he sung his own words. The both of them sounded wonderful together.**

_**"We built this nest just for you, don't fly away just 't leave this home till your wings can keep you afloat.**_

_**Do you feel the warm breeze, do you hear the wind?"**_

**The scene changed, Ciel now was nine, it was his tenth birthday.**

_And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust..._

**A fire went ablaze in the kitchen, what started it was unknown, Ciel had ran into the house to search for his parents.**

**Ciel's tiny heart was beating within his chest, as tears pooled from his eyes.**

**"Mommy!Daddy!" His voice echoing from the burning ceiling and darkened walls.**

_Out in the garden where we planted the seeds  
There is a tree as old as me  
Branches were sewn by the color of green  
Ground had arose and passed it's knees_

**Ciel coughed as the smoke filled his lungs. He kept running until he saw both his parents passed out on the floor.**

**Ciel rushed over to the and nudged them.**

**"Mommy,Daddy, its not the time to sleep!" He cried out as he kept trying to wake them.**

**Deep in his mind he knew they wouldn't but as a kid you kept trying.**

_By the cracks of his skin I climbed to the top__  
I climbed the tree to see the world  
When the gusts came around to blow me down  
Held on as tightly as you held onto me  
Held on as tightly as you held onto me..._ '

**Ciel cried as he walked to his mother, he gently lifted her head onto his tiny lap. Relief washed over him as she opened her eyes.**

**A small smile wrapped around her lips as she said her final words.**

**"_Dearest little birdy, fly away now, time for you to be the nest...your wings aren't b-broken, _**

**_flap those wings, fly so high..._**

**_Leave this old and cold nest...your wings...aren't..broken yet."_**

**_with her words said her eyes closed and her breathing stopped._**

**_"N-no,Mommy! Daddy!" Ciel cried._**

****_And, I built a home  
For you  
For me_

**Ciel held his mother tight as the world came tumbling down.**

**He sang his own melody as his first house came to ashes.**

**"_Mother bird don't you leave, my wings are tied as are my feet..." Tears spilled down his cheeks that were covered in suit._**

**_"My wings are broken from all of this fear, im shaking with fear..Please mother bird don't leave just yet._**

**_This baby bird hasn't taken flight yet._**

**_Watch me grow watch me fly, all i ask is...Please don't leave tonight." _**

_Until you disappeared  
From me  
From you_

**Ciel stood up and walked over to his dad and placed a hand on his chest as he kept singing.**

**"_Father bird, you're not broken, father bird dace the night away. _**

**_Watch mother bird from far away, but please,both of you, don't leave just yet."_**

**As Ciel stood he heard his fathers last sung words.**

**"_but little bird...You're time has come..t-tr-try those wings and fly._**

**_They're not broken, there just numb, work your way...to make them feel once again.."_**

**_Ciel's knee's gave out from beneath him._**

**_"Goodbye father bird,mother bird, my wings now work._**

**_Hatred and fear woke me again shall i let my walls down._**

**_Here by stand ill fly away...here by stand, ill never feel again..."_**

_And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust..._

**Ciel walked out of the burning building, not looking back as he had promised.**

**Ciel kept walking until he fell to the crumbled up ground as his hands shook**

**"Never again shall i feel! I shun away all the light, ill just lay with the night!"**

**Ciel screamed as his mind slipped away in to darkness that was as dark as his life.**

Ciel turned in his sleep, now dreaming of nothing. Music was his way out of his fucked up life. Ever since that day it became apart of him.

This part of him, he will never let go.

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**Okay, tell me what you think :D took me a couple minutes to finish 3 ill be working on the next chapter tomorrow ^_^ so you better love me .-.**

**anyway i don't own Kuroshitsuji only the plot and the way things will be going xD**

**also i own any OC's along the way ^_^ goodnight**

**Ps. There will be songs in all my chapters because Ciel sings/writes/listens to them.**

**I also own all the songs i make while writing this story, goodbye sleep tight! **


	3. Spins madly on

Ciel was in his new room, it was quiet,peaceful. Ciel started to hum a song he had made up since he was left here a week ago.

Tapping his foot he started to sing quietly.

_Woke up and wished that I was dead  
With an aching in my head  
I lay motionless in bed  
I thought of you and where you'd gone  
And let the world spin madly on_

Ciel got off of his bed and to the blocked window, sighing he carried on singing.

_Everything that I said I'd do  
Like make the world brand new  
And take the time for you  
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn  
And the world spins madly on_

Ciel played with the royal blue ring on his thumb, they let him keep the ring after the episode he showed when they tried to take it away. He didn't think a pillow could hurt someone so badly..

_I let the day go by  
I always say goodbye  
I watch the stars from my window sill  
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still_

Ciel giggled to himself, the red heads face when he threw the lamp at him was priceless.

_Woke up and wished that I was dead_  
_With an aching in my head_  
_I lay motionless in bed_  
_The night is here and the day is gone_  
_And the world spins madly on_

Ciel sighed as he plopped back down on his bed as he waited for his 'Helper' Ciel scoffed.

'Helper my ass' Ciel thought sourly.

_I thought of you and where you'd gone  
And I thought of you and where you'd gone  
And the world spins madly on._

Ciel closed his eyes breathing evenly. Singing let him escape his crummy life, he wrote songs, played the guitar, piano, violin etc..

Ciel started to drift of to sleep, singing soft and quietly.

_the world spins madly on.._

In a dreamless sleep he lays still, as the world he knows.

_ spins madly on.._

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**Okay guys don't kill me because this chapter is short, tomorrow i promise to post a new chapter to all of my stories!**

**Merry Christmas.**


	4. Chapter 4: Im a fake

**Sorry for a late late late update xD but i kinda was looking for songs for this fic, cause its a song fic...kinda 0-o **

**anyway here you go...**

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**Sebastian's POV:**

I was walking down the hallway of misery to my newest client, his name being **Ciel Phantomhive. **I sighed, this was like most cases, the kid tries to kill himself because of attention, he really wasn't depressed. I sighed again and rolled my eyes as i entered the teenagers room. He was asleep. I grumbled to myself as i walked over to the limp boy and touched his shoulder gently, taking in to consideration of his injury's. The pale boy stirred slightly as he opened his eyes slowly. My eyes went wide.

He had the most beautiful royal blue eyes i have ever seen. There was a deep sadness in them that pulled it all together. My heart clinched. _I guess this is a different case than i first thought...Just maybe.._

I coughed as i helped the boy sit up, he looked skinny, almost anorexic type skinny. I frowned, i looked the boy up an down taking in all his detail. He was utterly beautiful, though i would never speak it out loud, gorgeous. I shook his head_ No i can't think that way of a patient, im the doctor, i'm meant to help, not make matters worse.._

I cleared my throat and spoke finally "I am your Helper, as in helper i mean doctor,Therapist and counselor nothing more and nothing less...now lets start out with what you like, anything?" I asked questioningly.

Ciel looked away for a moment before turning his attention to me once more.

"I...I like music and wr-writing.." He sad shyly. I smiled warmly telling him to go on "A-and i l-love to sing..." He looked away.

I nodded as i jotted the things down.

"Alright, anything you dis-like?" I asked, my pencil at the ready to write an entire essay's worth of them. As to what he said didn't really shock me as much as it mislead me.

"I dis-like...more like hate living...thats the only thing i hate in this world...its myself and myself only. No one else and nothing else." he said strongly. He stood up to stand i tried to stop him but i missed his hand completely. Ciel walked towards the boarded up window and sighed as he started saying, more like saying it in song form.

" Small, Simple, safe price Rise the wake and carry me with all my regrets...these were not small cuts that scabs and dries and flakes and heals..." he said, he looked lost in his own world, anger flashed threw his eyes. By the look he was giving, i could tell he was not with me anymore but in the wonderland people call memories.

"And i am not afraid to die, im not afraid to bleed, and brake and fight. I want the pain of payment..Whats left, but a section of pygmy size cuts. Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks " His voice was strained, i should call in a nurse but i couldn't move. I was so shocked i couldn't move a mucle. I just looked at Ciel as pain and sorrow, guilt and anger surfaces quickly threw the boys eyes.

" Who would be my little cuts, and who will be thousand unwanted fucks, and make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid to fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts, my sad, sorry selfish cry out to the cutter i am. Im trying to cut out a picture of my black broken heart... Love is not like anything, especially a Fucking knife!" Ciel was boiling with anger, his rage evident in his voice as he screamed the last four words out before falling to the floor.

"Look at me, you can tell by the way i move and do my hair, do you think that its me or it's not me?! I dont even care im alive, i dont smell im the cleanest i have ever been. I feel big i feel tall i feel dry..Just look at me, look at me now, I'm a fake! I'm a fake! I'm a fake! I'm a fake!" Tears streamed down the poor boys face as his heart started to pound slowly.

Ciel took a deep breath "I'm a fake, ever since that day i've been nothing but a doll..."

I was about to ask what he meant by that day but was cut off by him singing again.

"Just look at me, look at me now, I'm a fake! I'm a fake! I'm a fake! I'm a fake!" He said loudly, his eyes back to that deep dull blue which freezes me to my spot.

"Do i drink? Do i dare to date? I've got perfect placement all my ink, satisfied, in your eyes im the biggest fan i've got right now. I've been alone for the longest of time, i can't feel, i can't dace all i can do is talk and fight." He sang proudly.

"Ciel, calm down." I calmly say. _Final fuckingly you pansy ass bastard! _I thought to myself.

Ciel looked at me with a glare. I flinched.

"N-Never m-mind p-please con-continue?" I stuttered, _man this boy scares me..even my own mother can't glare that kind of glare._

".Just look at me, look at me now, I'm a fake! I'm a fake! I'm a fake! I'm a fake!.Just look at me, look at me now, I'm a fake! I'm a fake!"

I just sit there an listen, no way am i saying anything else after _That._

"My stomach hurts now, and all tied off in lace. I pray, i beg for anything to hit me in the face just hard enough to lose my mind, my memory my everything. This sickness isn't me!I pray to fall from grace, to bad he looked away as have i! " Ciel said looking towards the ground, tears fell from his clouded eyes.

_Does that mean he doesn't believe in god? _I thought as he kept his singing ,maybe this is how he feels, maybe it might lead me to the light of what happened to make him this way.

"The last thing i saw was feeling, and im telling you im a fake, im telling you im a fake,im telling you im a fake, im telling you im a fake!"

What does he mean by that? What does this song go with what happened?! im so confused, never before have i been confused like this, this boy intrigued me. Something no one has ever done before, Ciel was the first.

" I'm telling you im...Just look at me, look at me now, I'm a fake! I'm a fake! I'm a fake! I'm a fake!

.Just look at me, look at me now, I'm a fake! I'm a fake! I'm a fake! I'm a fake!

Just look at me now, im a fake im a fake!

Fake! Fake!Fake! Genuine fake!" Once Ciel was finished singing i sighed.

I looked at him with a raised eye brow.

"You calm yet?" I asked, in side i was scared, ( Really,Sebastian?! scared of little Ciel?!").

Ciel nodded and sat back down. I smiled lightly.

"So, do you make your own songs? " I asked. It was a reasonable question at least. When he nodded i jotted it down.

"What was your first and second song? If it's fine by me asking.." I asked cautiously.

Ciel looked at me with what i would call despair but shrugged it off as he spoke.

"My first song was the one my parents and i made... it was called.." Ciel smiled sadly "Little bird...and the other one i made by myself.." He said softly. I nodded, i wanted to hear this song he made with his parents but thought better of it, it looked like a sad subject. So i asked about the second song.

"Can you tell me about the second song Ciel?" I asked, he nodded.

"It's called Si Deus Me Relinquit...would you like me to sing it to you in English or the way I originally sing it?" He asked. I thought about it before i come to my decision.

"How about you sing it the original way and then sing it in English, ill tell you how i like it hm?" I asked with a smile, making the boy blush. I held a chuckle in when he stammered a "uh..y-yeah s-sure.."

I waited til he started to sing.

He cleared his throat and sung softly.

"Si..Deus..Me..Relinquit..Ego deum relinquo." He sang. I starred in awe as he continued on with his eyes closed tightly.

"Solus oppressus nigram clavem habere potest,Omnias ianuas praecludo,  
Sic omnias precationes obsigno, Sed,  
Qui me defendet  
Ab me terribilissimo ipse?" When he was done, he looked at me, wide eye's as he saw tears in my eyes.

"That was the most beautiful song i have ever heard in my twenty three years of life... " I saw a small smile on Ciel's lips, i now believe that they were magic along with his voice.

"Hn, do you wan't me to sing it in English so you understand the words, it makes it quite more..interesting." Ciel spoke in a soft tone, making shivers run up and down my spine. I straitened out and nodded.

"Yes..Please continue." I said as i looked strait at him, my eyes never faltering.

He once again cleared his throat before singing once more.

"If god has forsaken me, then i shall forsaken god too...only the oppressed may possess a black key." He sang low and steady, his voice sounding like an angel..well, let me refrain that, a fallen angel who lost there way and is singing so they will find there way back home again.

"I close all doors, thus i seal away all prayers..who protects me from the me who... is most terrible?" He finished with a yawn, i noticed he looked tired so i stood.

"You, have a beautiful voice...it's a wonderful talent to have in the world like today...keep it safe. Good night Ciel." I said as i walked out of his room when i saw him climb into bed and instantly fall asleep.

'Your no fake, and there's not a terrible bone in your perfect body... but for now ill let you think that way, until i can show you other wise.'

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Okay i don't own any songs, well except Little bird, that one i made up, if you want the real lyrics to my song please just ask ^_^


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